Beware of Toxic Positivity

 
As human beings, feeling good is very important to us. It gives us energy, that feel good factor and increased self-esteem. But we also need to be aware of being too positive and be alert to the dangers of toxic positivity.
 

What is meant by toxic positivity?

 
Toxic positivity is when you tell yourself, or others tell you, that everything is good when clearly, it’s not. Here is an example:
 
“You’ll be ok. You’ll get over it”.
 
Of course, it’s always good to get encouragement. But just receiving encouragement may not be enough. What about situations when you need help to ‘get over it’?
 
Toxic positivity takes place when people, including ourselves, believe that negative thoughts should be ignored or not even take place. With toxic positivity, sadness and other negative emotions are encouraged to be suppressed. Toxic positivity is unhelpful because it denies these natural emotions – emotions that are part of our make-up and exist for a reason.
 
When helping someone who is facing a difficulty, it is important to show empathy. But to show true empathy we need to connect at an emotional level with the other person and avoid using phrases such as ‘at least’. Please see our blog on Empathy – not tea and sympathy for more information on this.
 
As well as demonstrating empathy we need to be realistic. Being overly optimistic may not be helpful. Being overly optimistic may well lead to denial that an issue needs to be addressed.
 
Praise and positive feedback without any substance is unhelpful. It can lead to people (including ourselves) believing that everything in the garden is rosy when it is not. This is what is meant by toxic positivity.
 

How can toxic positivity be avoided?

 
In our blog How to give a feedback sandwich with no bread we discussed how to deliver feedback in a direct and constructive way. On our Managing Performance training we use the AID model to help our course participants to learn and practice this highly effective feedback method:
 
Action – describe the specific observable behaviours that the person has displayed, proving as much detail as you can.


Impact – emphasise the consequences of these actions and, if appropriate, how this made you feel.

Do or don’t do – say what you’d like to be done differently (or continue doing) going forward.
 
Of course, such feedback messages need to be delivered with sensitivity and with the appropriate interpersonal skills. By using this method encourages honesty and avoids dressing things up to be more positive that they really are. This method of feedback avoids toxic positivity.
 
People tend to favour honesty. In our blog article The benefits of negative feedback we examined the positive side of negative feedback. When delivered proportionality and appropriately, negative feedback keeps people on track and promotes continuous improvement. Negative feedback provides the all-important reality check. When delivered with good intention, and with sensitivity, negative feedback avoids toxic positivity.
 
Of course, having optimism is a positive thing. Being optimistic a good thing. The difference between toxic positivity and optimism is that, unlike toxic positivity, sincere optimism is rooted in reality. Optimism acknowledges and expresses both negative and positive emotions, encouraging honesty and openness along with encouraging action to improve a situation. Toxic positivity just says everything is ok or will be ok, accepting the status quo for what it is.
 

Summary

 
It’s not easy to avoid falling into the toxic positivity trap. We want to help and make others feel good. It’s a natural thing to do.
 
However, in situations when being honest will deliver a better outcome, we need to suppress our need to make ourselves feel good by making others feel good. When the garden isn’t rosy, we need to say so, and then help the other person improve the situation or circumstances they find themselves in.
 
Being too positive can become toxic.  
 
Paul Beesley
Director & senior consultant
Beyond Theory