Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behaviour

 
Passive-aggressive is nasty. It’s underhand and destructive. But it‘s one thing being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behaviour and another thing dealing with it. This blog article offers advice on how to spot passive aggressive behaviour and how to deal with it.
 

What is meant by passive-aggressive behaviour?

 
Let’s be clear what passive-aggressive behaviour is. Here are some examples:

• Sulking
• Backhanded compliments
• Delaying decisions unnecessarily
• Refusing to communicate
• Making jokes that are indirectly intended to offend
• Going behind people’s backs
• Being sarcastic
• Giving the silent treatment
• Expressing dissatisfaction without openly expressing it
• Patronising
• Constant complaining about minor issues
• Making excuses

I could go on. You may have your own examples.

 In summary, passive-aggressive behaviour is when some resists others requests in a way that is not open. Instead, someone how is displaying passive -aggressive behaviour operates in a way that is more indirect. In summary, they may say one thing and do another. It’s a pretence, masking intention.
 
It’s worth noting that although many instances of passive-aggressive behaviour may be intentional, this may not always be the case. For example, someone who struggles with communication and/or conflict may act in a passive-aggressive way.
 
However, regardless of whether passive-aggressive behaviour is intentional or not, it usually involves a lack of honesty. This inability or desire to share true thoughts and feelings is not helpful in relationships at work and beyond.
 

So how do we tackle passive-aggressive behaviour?

 
Dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour is not easy. Challenging passive-aggressive behaviour can be risky – after all, you are confronting behaviour that is, by definition, indirect and not out in the open.
 
However, dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour is much better than ignoring it. By letting things go unchallenged, the passive-aggressive behaviours are likely to continue. It could literally end in tears or even someone deciding enough is enough and leaving the organisation.
 
Here are our tips to deal with passive-aggressive behaviours:

Recognise what’s happening. Be alert to how people are behaving.  Our blog We judge ourselves by our intentions and we judge other by their actions is worth reading about how we can misinterpret peoples’ behaviours.

Stay objective. A person’s passive-aggressive behaviour says more about them than it does about you.

Avoid being drawn into being passive-aggressive yourself. Although this can be tempting, it will not be productive.

Show empathy. Don't not rush to judge as to why they are behaving the way that they are. Seeing issues from another person’s standpoint can be helpful.

Raise the passive-aggressive behaviour with the other person. We recommend using the AID model to enable you to remain objective:

• Action – describe in detail what the other person has done and be a specific as you can.
• Impact – state the consequences of the behaviour and how this made you feel.
• Do or don’t do – say what you’d like the other person to do or stop doing in the future.

The overall aim is is to raise the issue in a way to defuse rather escalate the situation. Your strategy is to look for a win-win outcome. 

However, if things do not improve, seriously consider raising the behaviour with another e.g. your manager. Of course, if this is not desirable then maybe someone more senior or your HR team. Whichever route you choose, it’s important to take action.

Paul Beesley
Director & Senior Consultant, Beyond Theory

Other helpful blog articles:

The more subtle forms of harassment and bullying at work

How to give a feedback sandwich with no bread

Empathy - not tea and sympathy