We judge ourselves by our intentions yet we judge others by their actions

“We judge ourselves by our intentions yet we judge others by their actions”. This is very often the case. This blog article explains why we do this and suggests ways that we can make a better judgement of other peoples' behaviours.

Context

 
National Geographic tells us that, give or take 50 million years, our planet Earth is 4.54 billion years old. Homo sapiens have lived on Earth for 200,000 years (reference: Britannica). In terms of evolution, the human race is still evolving.
 
Given this, it’s no surprise that we still have and use many primitive habits. The flight or fight response that we so often experience when faced with danger has been understood for many years. Those who failed to recognise and react to danger didn’t survive.
 
Natural selection has given us this response.  Of course, we don’t face sabre tooth tigers these days. Instead, at work we face things such challenging projects, dissatisfied customers and unreasonable bosses.
 
Evolution has given us finely tuned sensory skills that alert us to danger. This is why we pay attention to the body language and other forms of non-verbal communication that we encounter. Some of this we pick up subconsciously. Of course, it’s also worthwhile remembering that what we receive we also respond to with our behaviours – and sometimes without knowing.
 

So what?

Let’s examine this phrase,
 
“We judge ourselves by our intentions yet we judge others by their actions.”
 

Let’s focus on the first part of this statement, “We judge ourselves by our intentions”

 
For me, this means our actions are driven by our motivations. For most people, the reasons why we do things is to make ourselves feel good. Even when we do ‘not so good things', we tend to do these to make ourselves feel better – I’m already thinking of that bar of chocolate in the fridge…
 
In a work context, giving someone feedback is a common activity that managers and team members often struggle with. Because we want to do things to make ourselves feel good (and not bad),  people can duck the issue of giving negative feedback and only deliver the positive message.
 
Or, maybe because of the innate fight or flight response we all possess, a manager or team member may decide to criticise i.e. to vent and/or get something off their chest. Again, the objective is to make themselves feel good – regardless of how the other person is left to feel.
 
Whichever route we choose, our intentions tend to remain private. We have our own map of the world and we want to make it better or easier for ourselves, i.e. to enable us to feel good. However, because our intentions are internal, they can often be misread and misunderstood. Ask yourself, how often has this happened to you?
 
Of course, being judgemental is a perfectly natural thing to be. We’re back to our ancestors again. Those who made (correct) judgements survived. Those who didn’t, did not.
 
So, as we go about our day-to-day business, we are making judgements all of the time and using our own standards and expectations as reference points. Sometimes these are met, sometimes they are not. This affects our mood and our own thoughts and behaviours change accordingly. Think about it.
 
My advice is, when appropriate, to make your intentions known. This will help prevent you from being misunderstood and help avoid inaccurate assumptions being made.
 

Now let’s focus on the second part, “We judge others by their actions.”

 
As already discussed, in most cases intentions are kept private. Therefore, what are we left to judge people on? We judge them by their actions. Equally, others will judge us by our actions too.  
 
Even when people declare their intentions to do something we often say to ourselves and others “actions speak louder than words”. Again, we judge them by their actions.
 
Of course, peoples’ actions have an impact on others. This can be either positive or negative impact. This impact causes us to make a judgement. We then adapt our behaviours accordingly. And we know that behaviour breeds behaviour, which can result in an upward spiral of positive relationships or a negative downward spiral where our fight (e.g. confront) or flight (e.g. walk away) can take hold. We’re back again to that innate driver of doing things that make us feel good.
 

So how can we better manage these situations?

 
To better manage these situations we need to both understand the other person's intention and increase their self-awareness by explaining the impact their behaviour has had. To achieve this, dialogue is needed. Not to engage with this will mean that we are working purely on assumptions. This can be misleading at best and dangerous at worst. 

For example, think about a recent incident that you’ve experienced where someone did or said something that had a negative impact on you. Did you understand the other persons intention? Was the the other person aware of the impact of their actions?
 
With the same incident in mind, ask yourself these questions:

• What would have happened if you had asked the other person what their intention was?
• What would have happened if you had let the other person know, in an emotionally intelligent way, what the impact of their actions was?

By asking these questions, we are looking to increase self-awareness and provide feedback. When skillfully done, this enhances relationships. When either ignored or not undertaken with care and skill, relationships suffer.  

Summary

 
On our leadership and management training we take time to explain how we judge ourselves with our intentions yet judge others by their actions. We encourage our course participants to develop their own emotional intelligence and practice the skills of giving feedback by:

• Describing the specific observable behaviour.
• Stating the impact on yourself and others (and, if appropriate, your feelings).
• Asking what you’d like to be done differently.

This straightforward and simple to use feedback model includes an underlying belief that we need to be curious. This curiosity is necessary so that we discover the intentions of others. By describing the impact of their actions, this feedback model also enables us to increase the self awareness of others in a  non-threatening way.

Here is a very simple example:

• Thank you for making the customer a cup of coffee. 
• That's much appreciated. However, you've already added milk. This customer prefers their coffee without milk.
• Next time, please could you check with the customer first. This will avoid making incorrect assumptions, improve our levels of service and avoid unnecessary waste.

In this example the intention was to make the coffee correctly but the outcome was not successful for either the coffee maker or the customer. 

On our coaching skills training we modify the model to become:

• Describing the specific observable behaviour.
• Stating the impact on yourself and others (and, if appropriate, your feelings).
• Asking what the other person can do differently.

Here is the coffee making example re-worked to provide coaching rather than just feedback:

• Thank you for making the customer a cup of coffee.
• That's much appreciated. However, you've already added milk. This customer prefers their coffee without milk.
• Next time, what could you do to avoid this from happening so we continue to provide great service and avoid unnecessary waste?
  

For us, feedback and coaching are very much linked. Becoming a coach rather than a critic is key. Being a situational leader requires us to be different things for different people at different times, depending on the needs of each team member.

 So, next time your expectations have been exceeded or you have been left disappointed reflect on the statement,
 
“We judge ourselves by our intentions yet we judge others by their actions”.
 
It’s not wrong to do this. In fact, it’s very hard to avoid doing this. But discovering intention and providing feedback on impact will help remove unnecessary conflict in your workplace and beyond. Being emotionally intelligent requires us to be aware of and then manage our instinctive flight or fight response.
 
Paul Beesley, director and senior consultant
Beyond Theory